Loss…It’s Everywhere

I can honestly say that I don’t believe I know anyone that has tested positive for COVID-19. But, the truth is, there is not a single person that has not been affected. Life has completely changed as we know it.

Education seems to be a mystery right now. Kids are not just missing out on school work, but a chance to be with their friends. Seniors are not just losing the last days they will be with their friends before moving on, they are missing graduations and goodbyes.

Countless people have lost their jobs. They have no idea where rent or mortgage payments will come from, or even the money to buy groceries or pay other bills. Unemployment rates have skyrocketed. Small businesses have had to close.

“Go out, get exercise and fresh air,” they said. Trails are closed, parks are closed. The world is closed.

We are all experiencing a loss of a safe place. Nothing seems to feel safe anymore. I get groceries and it takes an hour to put them away because I wipe everthing down. Little things have become big things.

There seems to be a loss of hope, a feeling of helplessness. For me, I can feel everything slipping through my fingers. Family, friends, love, just the feeling of motivation. I go to work, and am alone. I come home and am alone. I have been told I am not alone, but the truth is, I am. I can feel myself losing interest in reaching out. I don’t have an appetite anymore. I start to feel hungry and my stomach just turns. I created a list of projects, and I find that I am sitting on my couch, in a dark house, not doing anything. Just sitting. What am I waiting for? I have no clue. And whatever it is won’t be here before June 10. I have moved past the anxiety and the fear. I am just sad.

When this is all done, I will be a different person. We all will. What will that look like for each of us? Should I look for a roommate so I don’t feel so alone? How do I teach my kids how important it is to never take for granted the family you have? How do I get past these thoughts that no matter how exciting my social life is, I am alone. It is not that people don’t love me or care about me. It is not that I don’t care about others. But when it comes down to it and a fucking pandemic hits, I don’t have anyone to hold me when I lose my shit. I don’t have anyone to stroke my hair and say it will be okay. I don’t have anyone i can just fall apart with.

So, I apologize for the pity party. We are all entitled and I think we all need it. I think we are in the Neverending Story and stuck in the Swamps of Sadness.