It’s been a very long time since I have been able to convince myself to write. The last several months have been an uphill battle for me. I’ve spent many days on my couch and many nights crying. I have woken up with my eyes practically swollen shut. It’s hard to write while you are in the midst of an internal storm. It has been really hard for me to find the joy in life. With help from amazing people in my life that have really put up with a lot from me, I’m finding my way out of the dark.
It started when I found out my kids wouldn’t be home for Thanksgiving. I had invited them for dinner, as I knew we wouldn’t have the normal family gathering and I would be alone. They informed me they would be staying in State College. That started a downward spiral for me. Feelings of loneliness. Feelings of being a waste of space. During these times, our worlds have all changed. When the lockdown first started I was doing video chats with friends and family. But then, I started realizing that seeing everyone through video just made me miss them more. I miss the face to face contact. I miss the hugs, the touches. I almost felt lonelier.
I started pulling away from everyone. I started to feel hurt and angry. And then people would tell me, you’re not the only one going through this. Believe me. I know I’m not. But that doesn’t make me feel better that other people are also struggling. We are all in this ocean, but we are all in different boats. Some days, my life raft is on a sunny ocean with a nice breeze, while someone else may be in the middle of a massive storm. Or vice versa. We are all going through it. But make no mistake, our boats are different. I don’t think mine is worse than someone else’s, but I am not about comparing. That does no good.
As Thanksgiving got closer, my mood got worse and worse. The anticipation of spending a day alone, when it’s always been a huge day of family football and food, was unbearable. But, the night before Thanksgiving, I found joy in one of the most unexpected places. I got a call from my kids’ stepmother. She and my ex-husband invited me over for Thanksgiving. I think one of my kids told them I would be alone. I declined and decided, with the weather being decent, I would go to my parent’s for dinner and eat with them outside. But, on Thanksgiving morning I got a call reminding about the invitation with my ex and his wife. When she called, she said her daughter was so excited to see Fifi’s mom and picked out a special outfit for me. How could I resist. So, I decided to go up there before dinner and hang out with them for a few hours.
When I walked into their house, I can’t tell you how amazing it was to get this huge hug, holding nothing back, from a 6 year old. I didn’t want to let go. It was amazing!!!! And hugs from the rest of the family were great too. I have been missing that physical touch so much. You don’t realize how much you need it until you don’t have it anymore.
Thanksgiving ended up being way better than I anticipated. I could feel myself doing better. But not all the way there. I knew I still had Christmas and New Years alone. But Christmas Day is normally a day alone. The anticipation wasn’t near as bad as Thanksgiving. But the days themselves were pretty hard. A couple weeks prior to Christmas, we had a huge loss in our family when we had to say goodbye to our family dog, Spyder. I felt angry that I couldn’t be with friends or family. I wasn’t really angry at them, but at the situation. I have been a bear to deal with, and I know it. And I am sorry for that. But, I have also found some joy during this season that has been unexpected. After Thanksgiving, I have spent more time with my ex-husband and his wife. We got through the loss of our family dog together. We spent a day decorating cookies when my daughter got home from school. It’s been a blessing.
I have had a wonderful time visiting with my kids. Oh how I had missed them. It had been way too long since I had seen them. My daughter caught me in a bad moment of tears. She was amazing. She helped me to realize I had lots of tools to get through these times, but I had to readjust how I used my tools and find soe new ones that work through social distancing. So, I am committing to journaling and exercising and taking care of myself more. While feeling better won’t happen completely over night, at least I can be more in control of how I respond to my emotions.
What I have learned from the last couple of months is that I won’t feel bad for having all the feels. I know others are struggling to. It’s not a competition for who has it worse. Let’s just all acknowledge how difficult this is for all of us and try to wrok together. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel alone. It’s okay to realize your emotional toolbox needs to be adjusted becauses not all your tools may work anymore.