I used to be filled with anxiety. My fear…dying. Every day, I woke up wondering if that was the day I would die. I lived in fear. One day, I realized, I was afraid to die because I had not made the most of my life. I never embraced the real me. Always did what I thought I was supposed to do. I was sad, I was afraid and I felt so lonely.
I decided to make an incredible journey. I took my life back. It was the scariest thing I had ever done, but I learned to take my shoes off and feel the earth under my feet again. I let me hair go wild. I took off the make up and embraced my natural self. And I took that great big bucket that was heaping full of insecurity and tossed it in my newly found, dumpster size, fuck it bucket.
As a single woman, I had people ask me about finding a companion. Finding someone so I didn’t have to be alone. Honestly, for a while, I felt the need to find someone so I didn’t have to go through life alone. But, as my journey continued, that idea of companionship got tossed in that fuck it bucket. I didn’t want just a companion. I wanted it all. I wanted friendship, passion, craziness and adventure. Nothing less would be good enough for me. I want to be with someone with whom I can stay young, as my age increases. I deserve that.
We do only have one life. But I realized, time I thought I had wasted was really not wasted at all. That was the time spent in that long line for the most awesome ride ever. That was time preparing for what was to come. I got stronger. My fuck it bucket started to fill up. My straight path of doing what I thought I should be doing, well, it curved a bit so I could follow my own path.
Friends and family made me realize I wasn’t alone. I started to really get that I loved the time to myself. As much as I would have loved to have shared it with a partner, I didn’t want to settle and just share it with anyone. And I realized I could wait for it. In the meantime, I would figure myself out and love the single life. The longer I was single, the pickier I was about a partner. It was going to take someone awful special and strong to be with someone that knows their worth. I would need to find someone that was okay with my independence and okay with me doing things with my friends and family. Who was strong enough to handle my strong will.
I wouldn’t settle for anything less than someone who made me feel alive. Someone who gives me butterflies and someone I can picture myself salsa dancing with when we are in our 70s or 80s. Anything less, would be settling. And I deserve it all.
When I met my partner, I didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t really looking for anything. I was still working on myself. He was fun. We had an amazing time, but I wasn’t looking towards the future. But then something happened. The more we talked, the more the friendship built. I was learning I could say anything to him. I could be completely myself, and he never flinched. The butterflies started coming. We would spend hours on the phone while he was headed to work. He called every morning. We would talk while he drove and I got ready for work. It was a really nice routine and we never ran out of things to talk about. When I travelled to Italy, we talked almost every day. When COVID hit, it was a little different but we still kept communication open. I went through really tough times through COVID. I felt alone. I had my friends and family. But everyone was staying far away. Our relationships continued through computer screens. He was my constant. He saw the worst of me. The me that isn’t always happy. And he didn’t waiver. I started playing golf so we could get out and see something other than my house. We had so much fun.
He moved in at the beginning of this year. We have had adjustments, but one thing has not changed. We never stop talking. We listen to each other. We are really good at communication. And…I still get butterflies. I love the smile on his face when I walk in the room. I look at him and I never feel like I settled. I never expected to feel this way when he first approached me. But, I look into our future and I see two really old people acting like teenagers, salsa dancing in the kitchen.
Life is a wild ride. I used to try to control everything and had a plan, well, my plan was what I thought others wanted for me. But I’m not a planner. So, I think I will put my hands up, scream and laugh, and enjoy the ride I am on. And I can’t picture doing this ride with anyone else.