Never have I ever learned to open up as much as I have in the last year and a half.  It’s been a journey, for me, of self awareness.  I have always had an issue with really telling people what I need or what I am afraid of.

I have always lived my life worried that someone wouldn’t approve of me.  That people would walk away if I showed who I really was.  I would bottle up my feelings until my anxiety set in.  Then it would all come out when I couldn’t take it anymore. 

I have made some amazing friends.  I don’t have to pretend I am something I’m not, nor do I have to hide who I am.  I don’t have to hide from my family either.  I am good enough.  And with their help, I have been able to build a healthy relationship with an amazing man.

Never have I ever been able to share my fears and insecurities with someone the way I do with him.  I can say it, and he never makes me feel small, or stupid, or treats me like I am crazy.  He accepts my insecurities and validates them, and works hard to make sure I don’t feel that way.  He has never given me reason to not trust him, but he totally recognizes that I do bring baggage to the relationship and that I am always working on it.

Never have I ever been able to have a relationship with someone where I can accept the baggage they bring in.  Let’s be honest.  When you’re middle age and you are in the dating world, there is always baggage.  Maybe not bad, but there is always something we bring from our past.  He doesn’t come without baggage either.  And I completely accept it.  And I am there for him and try to help him through his stuff too. 

Never have I ever been so afraid in my life. I don’t have anxiety. I am not lacking in trust. I am not even afraid of being hurt. In fact, my insecurities have almost all disappeared. I am terrified of how I feel. This was supposed to be a completely different kind of relationship. A relationship that had a specific emotional box that it fit in. Never did I ever expect that he would slowly start filling my other emotional boxes. That he would be the one I call when I am really excited by something or having a really bad day. He has become my person. I can’t speak for him, but he makes me feel like I am his person too.

Never have I ever been able to be unapologetically me.  I can act silly.  I can make gutter brain jokes.  I can tell him when I am down and he always makes me feel better.  I can tell him I want to do something new, step outside my comfort zone, and he encourages me.  I can go out with my girlfriends and he loves that I have friends like that. 

Never have I ever been with someone who would stop an entire conversation to tell a room full of strangers how wonderful I am.  I wasn’t in a bad frame of mind where he was trying to make me feel better.  He just said it because it is how he feels.  And never have I ever been made to feel like that before.

Never have I ever felt like I could give my heart to someone, yet keep my independence and be a strong woman…until now.

Your first day is still a strong memory. I thought nothing of the cramps in my back, but everyone told me I would know. Riding to the hospital, I thought to myself, I’ll get fluids and be home in time for the fireworks. I have always loved fireworks. The sound, the brilliance, the kind that are so loud you can feel them in your gut. My fireworks, on July 4, 1998 would be life changing.

You were so small. I was terrified. What if I break you? Your cry was like a little bird. Your dad and I did not know that we would have a rough first couple of months. A medivac to the hospital, sleepless nights in the hospital. But you were so strong. You struggled to breath and you fought so hard. You were born a Rock.

Watching you grow was such a joy. You were so kind and caring. You had a sensitivity that I just adored. Your hunger for knowledge was incredible. The dinosaurs…boy did we learn a lot about dinosaurs. Going in to meet your preschool teacher, I can remember you looking at the dinosaurs she had. You were looking at one in particular and she said, “It’s called a bone head.” You looked at her and said, “Actually, it’s a pachycephalosaurus.” Your teacher and I had a good laugh over that. But, on the first actual day of preschool, I was the proud mother she kept after all the other kids got picked up, so she could let me know you ate the fuzz from your sit-upon. Tone set for the year. You were never rude, and mostly very kind, but you had a devious streak. I was worried you would have a tough time making friends, but, when I expressed that to the teacher, she said, “You have nothing to be worried about. All the kids love Joey.”

It took you some time to settle into elementary school. You always wanted everything to be perfect. But, in second grade, you got Mr. Cochran. That was your turning point in school. You found a joy in learning. He was fun, yet he also didn’t let you get away with a lot (especially sitting on the back two legs of the chair). How often did you have to stand at your desk?

When your cousin was diagnosed with food allergies, your world was turn upside down. You were always making sure if we had nuts in the house everything was cleaned up to make sure she was safe..

And Christmas, do you remember leaving out cookies for Santa. And then you came down from your room and gave us some of your money and asked us to leave it for Santa so he could make sure the kids that really needed it, got toys. So strong, so kind, so giving.

Big brother. I cannot think of a single person that would be a better big brother to Sophia. I loved and still love watching you with her. You helped teach her to read (but I am still convinced that was so she would read to you), you tutored her in math. You are always looking out for her. Even now.

Once you found your way in school, you made it look so easy. You had a love for learning. It was such a joy to watch you eat up all the knowledge you could. But even better, you shared it. You helped Sophia, you helped other friends.

What a teammate you were. Watching you play football was so much fun. The littlest guy on the team, playing on the line and making a difference. I loved it. Watching you score your first touchdown in High School, proud moment. But, you didn’t get an opportunity to play a lot. It wasn’t what you did on the field that was most impressive. Off the field, I watched you be strong enough to go to coaches and tell them what you were seeing on the field, and the coaches respected your perspective. I watched you go up to teammates and cheer them on. Coaches would ask your help to teach the starters they playbooks. And you did it.

I can remember going through the hardest time of my life. You never quite knew what to do with my tears, and I never blamed you. I didn’t know what to do with them. But when I started studying for my real estate exam, I would fall asleep in bed studying. I always felt you come into my room and cover me with my blankets and turn off my light. You will never fully understand how much that meant to me.

You leaving for college was hard. It was time to let go a little and watch you soar. You persevered through really tough classes. You learned how to cook (and very well, I might add). And you were accepted into the Masters Program of Engineering at Penn State.

Today, you should be walking to Pomp and Circumstance as the family celebrates your undergraduate success. We won’t be able to celebrate your graduation today, know that I am so proud of the man you have become. You are not just my Rock, you have been a Rock to so many around you.

So, Joey, on your graduation day, I want you to know that I am so absolutely proud of you and I am shouting it to the world. I love you more than the stars in the sky. WE ARE…….

I can honestly say that I don’t believe I know anyone that has tested positive for COVID-19. But, the truth is, there is not a single person that has not been affected. Life has completely changed as we know it.

Education seems to be a mystery right now. Kids are not just missing out on school work, but a chance to be with their friends. Seniors are not just losing the last days they will be with their friends before moving on, they are missing graduations and goodbyes.

Countless people have lost their jobs. They have no idea where rent or mortgage payments will come from, or even the money to buy groceries or pay other bills. Unemployment rates have skyrocketed. Small businesses have had to close.

“Go out, get exercise and fresh air,” they said. Trails are closed, parks are closed. The world is closed.

We are all experiencing a loss of a safe place. Nothing seems to feel safe anymore. I get groceries and it takes an hour to put them away because I wipe everthing down. Little things have become big things.

There seems to be a loss of hope, a feeling of helplessness. For me, I can feel everything slipping through my fingers. Family, friends, love, just the feeling of motivation. I go to work, and am alone. I come home and am alone. I have been told I am not alone, but the truth is, I am. I can feel myself losing interest in reaching out. I don’t have an appetite anymore. I start to feel hungry and my stomach just turns. I created a list of projects, and I find that I am sitting on my couch, in a dark house, not doing anything. Just sitting. What am I waiting for? I have no clue. And whatever it is won’t be here before June 10. I have moved past the anxiety and the fear. I am just sad.

When this is all done, I will be a different person. We all will. What will that look like for each of us? Should I look for a roommate so I don’t feel so alone? How do I teach my kids how important it is to never take for granted the family you have? How do I get past these thoughts that no matter how exciting my social life is, I am alone. It is not that people don’t love me or care about me. It is not that I don’t care about others. But when it comes down to it and a fucking pandemic hits, I don’t have anyone to hold me when I lose my shit. I don’t have anyone to stroke my hair and say it will be okay. I don’t have anyone i can just fall apart with.

So, I apologize for the pity party. We are all entitled and I think we all need it. I think we are in the Neverending Story and stuck in the Swamps of Sadness.

I am on what seems like day 1,256 of isolation. At work, we are in our own offices with doors shut an only meet via webcam. At home, it’s just me and Marshall (my 65 lb furry friend). I cannot imagine what it’s like being quarantined in a home with a house full of people. With young kids that parents are now homeschooling. I can say, being alone is super hard too. Those with a house full can’t run away from their family. Those of us living alone, can’t run too our family. Anyway, I wrote about the lack of human contact last time. But before getting into the heart of my post, funny story time:

I have been talking with friends and family over video chats. Lots and lots of video chats. That’s how I do my work these days too. The other night, while sleeping, I got hot. I ended up stripping down to just my panties while sleeping. Hot and cold, blankets on and off, all night long. Well, every time I kicked my blankets off, I jolted awake, grabbing for the blankets, thinking someone was going to see me on our webchat. Yep, my brain is in webchat mode even when sleeping.

So, back to the blog. About a year and a half ago I found myself searching for a four legged companion for my wonderful Spyder dog. I am pretty picky when it comes to dog searching. I believe in rescue, and I truly believe the dog picks you. I always have in mind what kind of dog I will get and that’s never the dog I end up with. Marshall was no different. I was determined I was going to leave with some sort of pit bull. But I saw him online and on a whim, wanted to see him. It took about 2 seconds for me to realize we were meant to be together. I jumped through all the hoops and Spyder got to meet Marshall. It went really well and Marshall became a part of my family. I didn’t know then, just how much I needed him.

With Spyder no longer with me except for summers and breaks, I am so grateful to have him for a companion. And now, with the quarantine, he is my apocolypse partner. I think he totally feels my needs for hugs. Since the first day I had him, I realized he gives hugs. The first time he put his paws on my shoulders I thought he may be a humping dog. But he isn’t. He puts his paws on my shoulder and leans his head into my neck. It’s just a loving act. When I come home from work every day, he gives me a hug to greet me before running to go outside. I have said, multiple times, that I miss human contacts and I just need a hug. The truth is, I am getting hugs from Marshall. And he seems to know I need really big hugs.

Our four legged friends are family and the love they give is unconditional. I have always known that and always loved having pets in my life. But now, when I am stuck in my house alone, I have gained an entirely new appreciation for what Marshall brings to my life. I have conversations with him, we eat together, and when I need to cry, he’s my shoulder. He was not put in my path by mistake.

Work has been extremely stressful. We are working so hard to make sure we continue to support people with substance abuse issues and serious mental illness. But the processes to keep everyone safe are different and we are adjusting to the system and trying to remain positive for our clients. There have been days I have just had to come home and cry. One hug, one nuzzle, one tail wag from Marshall, and I can feel the stress begin to melt away. That unconditional love these pets give have a way of removing the stress of a really tough day, week, month even a year.

A week and a half ago I wrote about my debit card getting declined, and the embarrassment of having to leave behind an entire cart full of groceries. Little did I know how much I would need those items. The issue with my card was fine, but that set back left me without essentials, that are now impossible to find. The toilet paper I needed was not deemed essential at the time. Days later, toilet paper is the new gold. I am just praying my 8 rolls last until I can scavenge some more.

In the last week, a new concept has been born. “Social Distancing.” We now give air hugs and stand back 6 feet from everyone. Only 10 people allowed in a restaurant at a time. I haven’t seen my parents in a week, and it’s been days since I have seen my sister (we went for a walk outside). My daughter, deciding to stay at Penn State for Spring Break, suddenly became very scary. I am so grateful her dad was with her for several days and stocked her up on toilet paper and other grocery items. My son and many other high school and college seniors, suddenly have no closure and no graduations to look forward to in the foreseeable future.

I continue to go to work in a public building on a daily basis. That puts me, and many others in the same boat, in harm’s way. What does that mean for me? Isolation when I go home. Lots of Netflix. Working on a puzzle. And house projects. It also means getting creative. I am a social person. I need people in my life. So, one of my girlfriends and I go walking each day. My dog, is loving me being home so much. I have been working on his training. He is horrible on a leash. He is getting better and better every day. My girlfriends, well, we have discovered the awesomeness of FB Messenger group video chat. The first night we just had drinks together. Last night we had a dress up party. We all wore costume jewelry and tiaras. And I am at work today still sparkling from my glitter spray. Tomorrow night, we have game night. We are maintaining our social life, it’s just different. It’s a new world.

You see the best in people and the worst. I prefer to focus on the best. Murlarkey Distillery is using their sanitizing alcohol to make hand sanitizer to give out for free. Catoctin Creek Distillery is providing free sanitizing alcohol and will be making hand sanitizer soon. I have seen tip jars being posted in order to help bar and restaurant workers as they are unable to work. School food service and bus drivers are working tirelessly to make sure students in need get at least 2 free meals a day. The world is full of amazing people rising to the occasion.

There is fear. A lot of it. What’s next? How are people going to survive when they have no work? What happens when this is all over? Will we go back to who we were before all this happened? Will we take for granted how easy it was to by a roll of toilet paper or to be able to pick out the brand of bread we want? I can honestly say that what I miss the most, other than seeing my family and friends, are hugs. It’s wonderful to have Facetime and FB messenger. But I haven’t hugged anyone since I saw my boyfriend on Monday. Okay, I am lying a little. I have a dog that hugs. But it is a bit different than family or friends or significant others wrapping their arms around you and just holding you for a moment. Virtual hugs are nice, but not the same. I look forward to getting back to those intimate rituals we have with family and friends that we are missing out on.

For all the first responders, medical workers, people still working in bars/restaurants, people working in grocery stores and for the schools and food pantries…anyone still working to meet the needs of others, a great big THANK YOU! The world has made a shift. Suddenly, the world of Fortune 500 companies, the corporate world of mega bucks is no longer as important as the indivuals who continue to come in constant contact with strangers, amid a world-wide pandemic, to provide us with what we need.

What I hope to take from all of this, is to enjoy all the moments we are given and never ever take for granted the “things” we have in life. Because, in 1 day, the entire world could change before my eyes. We never really think that could happen, because very few can say they have seen that happen…until now.

I hope everyone stays safe. And when this is over and life gets back to normal, take time to really appreciate every hand shake, every hug, every person in your life.

I love that my life is filled with badass women. Women who empower each other. Women who can call each other out when we are being silly, yet we don’t take offense to it. Women who lift others up and make them stronger. Women who have the resiliency to hold an entire family together.

I have met some women that have no clue what a badass they are. I didn’t use to either. There’s an interesting transformation that happens when a woman realizes what a power house she is. Today, post Galentine’s Day, I want to celebrate the badassery in my life. I am privileged to be surrounded by amazing girl power.

One of my friends, she put a group of women together who are going through similar life issues.  Every day, she fills us with words of wisdom.  When we struggle and sometimes it’s hard to find the right words, she comes in with the most amazing advice.  And she lives by her advice.  She is a wonderful mom.  During times of transitions, she has helped her children to not just get through the transitions.  They thrive through it.  She can share her wisdom because she has lived through the struggles, and continues to.  But every day, she get stonger and stronger dealing with her struggles.  The other day, her day had the potential to start off pretty crappy.  But she handled the situation with grace and didn’t let someone else ruin it. BADASS!!!

A single mom, with a teenager that she has raised totally on her own. She works her butt off. She works hard, and at the same time, provides a safe space for her teenager to be open with her. She and I have had some great adventures. In fact, when she comes over, even my dog thinks it’s time for an adventure. This summer, we spent the night in a motel in Atlantic City. Pretty sure people had been killed in that motel with the bright pink bathroom and the door that did not properly lock. What did we do? We wedged a chair in the door and laughed our asses off. Oh, and the Rob Thomas tickets…she made me a fan.

My friend that I have known for years, and had no clue that we would become so close.  She had an amazing journey to better her health.  She literally lost a lot of herself and looks amazing.  But she found the most incredible strength to create her own happiness.  She has had ups and downs, but during those, she has figured out what she is looking for.  She has learned to go to events alone. I am amazed at her strength and I am so thrilled that we were able to reconnect and become so close. She has had some challenges, but she has come so far and I love seeing her happy.

My birthday buddy. Our birthdays are close to each other. We have only recently met, but the first time we went out, I felt so comfortable with her. We are more than birthday buddies. We have been through very similar challenges. She is going through hers now and doing it with such grace. We went out to celebrate our birthdays together, and I was just amazed at her strength. Her path was different than mine, but we ended up on the same journey.

My next badass, well, she is a rockstar. She has been dealt a pretty shit hand, but she is learning how strong she is. Just this week, she did something I don’t think she ever realized she could do, on her own. She did some amazing stuff. And while the outcome may not end up being what she wants, she has proven to herself how amazing she is. That’s something that no one can ever take away from her. And, she has the best ideas for really awesome things to do for that special person in your life. When we ask for help, she jumps right in and I just think, dang, whoever she lets into her life is so lucky to have her. I feel that every day.

To my soul sister. Another badass mom. She makes no apologies for who she is. I can remember first meeting her. She was hurting and angry. But she has learned to co-parent with such awesomeness. She puts up with absolutely no shit from anyone and I love that. She has taught me so much about having open communication. When I am having a low-confidence day, she encourages me to talk. To be open. It’s given me strength beyond words. I am learning to have the difficult conversations.

So, my next badass, she is not a single mom, but she is badass to the core, and she has no idea. She has dealt with some really tough stuff. Her older kids had some really tough years. She put going back to work on the back burner, to make sure her family was strong. She didn’t complain about her struggles. And, while she was going through all this, she also took care of me. When I was going though my divorce and figuring myself out, she would come over and just be there for me. Sometimes she would stay until I cried myself to sleep. She has absolutely no idea how totally badass she is, and how badass the love she gives is. She has no clue how strong she has made me. No clue the strength she gives to others. She is one of the kindest, most amazing people I know. I am grateful to be able to have her as family, and even more grateful that we are friends.

My mom, well she has given me my competitve spirit, which, outside of sports, gives me so much strength. She stayed home with my sister and I for years. I have some amazing memories: trips to DC, Theater in the Woods at Wolf Trap, summers by the pool… To this day, if I need anything, she will drop everything for me. She stayed on my couch and watched me after surgeries. She has taught me to accept challenges that are thrown at me. In accepting those challenges, she has taught me my own strength.

Did I mention I have a badass daughter? I knew she was a force to be reckoned with from the time she was little. In 2nd grade, she was told she had to stop sucking her thumb. She read an adult how-to book in a couple of hours and never sucked her thumb again. I can’t tell you how much I missed her sucking her thumb and twirling my hair, but her determination was inspiring. For the last several years she has been living with chronic pain. I watched her endure painful tests with such grace. She doesn’t like to tell people her struggles, but she has no idea that, even though I know she hurts, I know the pain can really bring her down, I watch her endure. I have loved hearing her do so well in college. She and I have come through a lot and I love that we have gotten to a point that we can straighten each others’ crowns.

You see, I am not badass on my own. I am badass because I am surrounded by the strongest of wonder women. I am so grateful, every day, for the strength I get from each of these women. I only hope that I can give them even a little bit of what they give to me.