Steps…Hard Work but Beautiful Views

Have you ever climbed the steps to the top of a lighthouse? It is really tough climbing those steps. But when you get to the top, the views are beautiful. But those are not the steps I am writing about today.

Most of my girlfriends are divorced. The idea of their exes bringing a new woman into the lives of their children is scary. Every experience is different, but I can share mine…

I can remember when I came to terms with the fact that this new person was in my ex’s life, and would be in my kids’ lives. I can’t lie. I was angry, hurt, scared. How is it fair that some stranger gets to spend half of my kids’ lives with them? I am their mom. It is unfair that I only see them half the time. I was hurt that my kids accepted her into their lives. I was scared they would love her more, and forget I was their mom. Reality has a way of slapping you in the face.

I can also remember when she first started coming to watch my kids play sports. It was the hardest thing in the world. I would sit in the bleachers, quietly, with tears in my eyes. When my daughter would look up to her, in the stands, my heart sank. I felt like I was losing her. Like my fears were becoming reality.

My daughter started coming to the house with cute new clothes. Was she taking her shopping? It broke my heart to think another woman was taking on a maternal role for my kids. It was probably the scariest thing I have ever faced.

My first step to acceptance, being grateful that she was coming to support my kids in their sports. She must like my kids to bring her very young daughter out, close to bed time, to support my kids. My daughter, looking at her in the stands, means my daughter feels loved. It was a step forward.

But then my daughter said it…she called her her stepmom (they weren’t even married yet), and she called her daughter, her sister. Honestly speaking, those words were so hard to hear. The fear started sinking in again. I mean, the word mom is in stepmom, so I was being replaced, right? My insecurities said yes. It was time to regroup.

I had to step back and realize, I was in rough shape. I wasn’t capbable of having a meaningful relationship. It was clear in my insecurites when dating. All my baggage was stopping me from opening up to anyone. It was the same with my kids. My insecurity was toxic. I cried a lot. My kids had a hard time seeing me so unhappy. It was never supposed to be their job to make me happy. That was something only I could do.

At the time, I relied so much on my parents and my sister and her family. I really didn’t have anyone else. I had friends at work who I could talk with openly, but when I did talk, I would cry, and that was not condusive for working. So, I found some girlfriends…nope, a tribe. A group of other divorced women who were going through or had been through this. These friendships were so fulfilling. They brought happiness to my life. I had to step out of my comfort zone to meet them and I had to open my heart to trust them. But the reward was true happiness. I became a different person….

I became a person my kids felt comfortable to be around again. I become fun. I smiled, I laughed. By this time, my kids were both in college. But I could look back and see, I never lost them. They never replaced me. What I learned was that they did not have to replace me. Someone new was brought into their lives who respected me, as their mother. I can remember my daughter’s graduation party. Her little sister was so excited to meet her mom. Kids are funny. They can’t pretend. So, when she was so excited to meet me, and gave me an adoring look, my heart melted. All this fear of being replaced was silly. Not only was I not being replaced, but I was very much a part of my daughter’s life and the life of her sister. Not because she knew who I was, but because I was a special place where her big sister would go for a few nights. And the look she gave me, told me she felt it was a happy place. It felt pretty special.

When my daughter was struggling, emotionally, with her Lyme, it was her stepmom that had connections in State College to get her the help she needed. The reality was, my kids didn’t just have someone new around them. They had her, her daughter and family and friends around them. More people to love my kids. More people to look out for them. And I am so grateful to her for what she has given to them.

I have had friends that are in the same boat as I am. Thrilled for the kids to have someone new in their lives that loves them. Others are still coming to terms with it and still frightened. The climb up those steps is a long hard climb, but if the steps are right and you can figure out how to get to the top, believe me, those Steps can lead to something beautiful.

White Privilege……Not a Political Post, a Humanity Post

George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and many, many more.  As a white woman, I can never understand what a black man or woman must feel when they see and hear of these injustices.  I feel infuriated.  I feel sad.  I feel heartbroken. But that cannot compare to what someone of color must feel. 

This is not meant to be a political post at all.  To me, humanity should never be politicized.  We were all raised on the Golden Rule, or something similar.  Treat others the way we would like to be treated.  Where did people get so lost with this?  What was it that made people decide they could choose who got treated that way and who didn’t.  Why are people so quick to criticize Colin Kaepernick, yet not quick to stand up for those killed in cold blood. He never protested our military. He protested the fact that there is a hypocrisy that is too big to ignore. The fact that people say “All lives matter” yet their actions say “Only white lives matter.” That is definitely something worth protesting.

I am so grateful for all the people who have served our country, to make sure we have freedom. They fight for the freedom of our entire country, not just our white people. They fight for freedom of blacks, Hispanics, Muslims, non-English speakers and so many more. It is so sad how we re-write the plot to suit our needs.

I am a recipient of white privilege. I know it. I cannot deny it. What is white privilege? The first thing that comes to my mind is being a mom. That is what I relate to the most. White privilege, moms of white boys ranting and raving last summer because parents are expected to teach their boys not to rape. Willing to fight against survivors so their white boys are not held accountable for sexual assault. I have raised white children, so when I speak about raising black children, these are just from me being open to hear the experiences of others. I don’t have experience with it, but I can stand with those that do. What I hear, and take from conversations, is that mom’s with black children live in fear when their children go out. Will going for a run cause someone to think they are running from police and deserve to be shot. A fear that they may go to cash a check and get handcuffed for fraud, and, while handcuffed, be strangled to death with a knee on the neck.

I have sat, safe in my home, naive. And saw pictures of children in other countries with automatic weapons, and thought how lucky we are to live in a country where we don’t have to live in fear like that. WHITE PRIVILEGE. No matter how much I can stand for humanity and human rights, I will not be a hypocrite and say I don’t have white privilege. I am not immune to white privilege, but I have to be honest with myself so I can stand with others. These issues are black and white, but humanity issues are not just about black and white. Its about treating people with respect.

Before some of you say, what about murderers and pedophiles and other people who have done horrific things. I am not referring to these individuals. But I do believe the individuals that do horrific things deserve the same punishment, no matter the color. You see, there is white privilege in the justice system too. They should all be brought to justice in the same way. But many of these individuals were killed first. The color of their skin sealed their fate.

I have found myself thinking about one of my favorite books, “A Time To Kill.” A book filled with white privilege. You can say, it was a different time and a different place. But you are kidding yourselves. Many of my friends won’t need to do this. They are outraged. I try to keep company with those who stand for humanity. But those of you upset about having to teach your children not to rape. Those of you upset that you are asked to be mindful of others and wear a mask, during this time, yet donlt speak up when unarmed or restrained black individuals are being murdered, I urge you, go back to those videos. They are hard to watch…disgusting. if you have a hard time seeing the atrocity, if you are questioning, I wonder what he actually did…these were unarmed individuals. It doesn’t matter if they even did do anything. One was already restrained. If you don’t see that, I urge you to look at that video again. Now, watch it, and imagine those individuals who were killed were white. If you feel the outrage then, and only then, take a look at yourself in the mirror. You are the root of white privilege and that is a very sad place to be.

Unconditional Love…No Strings Attached

Those words…I think everyone longs to have that unconditional love.  But what does it mean to give it?  What does it mean to love someone so much that nothing can make you stop loving them?

I will never be able to say that I love perfectly.  But, unconditional love…many of us do that every day.  And it’s hard, when you love someone that can’t seem to receive it most of the time.  When you love someone that seems to dismiss the love you give.  Who doesn’t realize that the pain doesn’t come from horrible words spoken.  It comes from being dismissed.  It comes from using the things you love as weapons.  There are highs, when the love you give is received and even reciprocated for a brief moment.  But then, the you get kicked again. 

My hope is that my unconditional love is known and that I am the safe person.  Able to dismiss because the love I give will always be there.  I need to be dismissed, because the need to impress others, fight for the love of others is the most important thing right now.  Or maybe only one side of the story is known, and because I won’t share my side, there is anger. 

But the thing with unconditional love is that you can give it, but you don’t have to lie down and take the hurt.  You can stand up for yourself.  You can dish out tough love, let them know you are hurt.  Be willing for them to walk away.  And, through that pain, you can still find that sparkle.

Why is sparkle so important?  Well, that’s the source for unconditional love.  If you don’t sparkle, it is going to be so hard to not be a victim, but to accept the circumstances and try not to take it personally.  I can be kind, yet firm. At the end of the day, no matter how far gone, I will always be here to give you love, when you are ready to receive it, and to accept your love, when you are ready to give it. So, I won’t ask to spend time with you, not because I don’t want to see you (I have tried asking), but because I am tired of the rejection. I won’t call or text to see how your day was, because there is never usually a response. But, will message you every day to tell you I love you. I won’t expect much, as I have learned that only gets me hurt. But it is more so you know that when you are ready to give and receive love, I will still be here. I have always been here. I have always loved you, even though sometimes it has been from afar. I will always love you.

Always Look For the Silver Lining

Have you ever had a cart full of groceries you had to leave because your debit card was declined?

My son is home for Spring Break. I haven’t seen him since Winter Break. He offered to cook me dinner, and, after a long day at work, I was more than happy for us to go to the grocery store and get food for he and his girlfriend to cook. And to pick up some other needed items for the week. I was so excited.

Imagine my surprise when I ran my card and it was declined. What????? Okay, maybe I hit the wrong pin number. Second try, declined. I searched my purse for my debit card for my other account. Not in my purse. I could feel the pit in my stomach. The embarassment, not from the people in the store. I could care less about that. But my son is watching me and my card is declined and I have no way to pay for a dinner he was excited to cook. I have no way to pay for the bread in my basket. I have never pretended like I am loaded with money. But this was totally unexpected.

When we left, I checked my bank accounts. I had more than enough to pay for my groceries. I don’t understand. So, we decided to go to a different store. I have $20 cash. So, the goal was to pick up enough food to make dinner for 3 with $20 or less. We did it for $16. And guess what. My card was declined again. I couldn’t control the tears. As I went to get all the money I had access to, my son popped his debit card into the machine and paid for the groceries. My pride was crushed. I was mortified that my son had to bail me out of that situation.

When we got home, I went straight up to my room and cried. And looked at my bank account (still enough money). I was too ashamed to look at my son. As I sat on my bed, I decided I needed to throw my pride out the window…rewrite the events of the afternoon.

I was so excited to spend the evening with my son and his girlfriend. They decided to cook dinner for me this evening. The work day was a tough one, so I was thrilled to accept the wonderful gesture. So, I offered to take my son grocery shopping. We had had a nice drive over, chatting and catching up on how school has been for him. At the store, we got the food he wanted to cook, along with some snacks and some staples for the house. I can be a little lazy and hadn’t been grocery shopping in over a week. Probably two weeks.

With a cart full, we went through the check out. My card was declined. How mortifying. I check my accounts daily and knew I had enough money. Clearly the issue is with the bank, not with me. But it was still embarrassing. It brought tears to my eyes. My son was looking with me as I rechecked my accounts. Yep. Plenty of money to pay for the groceries.

He piped in, “Let’s try a different store. Get something small and see if the card works. Maybe it’s just an issue at the store.” So we went to the next store. I had $20 cash. Now, we had a challenge. Can we feed 3 people tonight on $20 or less? My son was amazing! He decided we could find some things in my pantry, and we just got what we needed. Yes!!!! $16. Again, my card was declined. As I went to get the cash from purse, my son used his card and paid.

I was embarassed. My pride was hurt. But then I realized, while this was pretty dang embarrassing, I should be so completely proud of my son. I had the cash to cover it. We were not going to have them restock the food. Yet, he chose to help me. I needed to step back and accept his gift.

When he was a baby, I can remember thinking, “I cannot wait to meet the person he becomes.” I know what kind of man he has become. He is kind, he is caring and nurturing. But today, I witnessed it, I experienced it.

We got home. I had to take time to collect myself. When I came back down, dinner was cooking and the kids were busy in the kitchen chatting and laughing. My favorite noise ever. Not once did they make me feel awkward for the events.

So, while there are terrible or embarrassing things that happen to us along our road, we can always stop and rewrite our story. It’s the same story, just a different viewpoint. Once I did that, I was able to enjoy my night with the kids. Silver linings have a wonderful way of keeping the sparkle in our lives.

New Friends,Old Friends, Girl Friends, Boy Friends

I have learned that being in love doesn’t necessarily make us stronger, or even happier, but having love does. I don’t mean the kind you have from a significant other. I am talking about the love you have from true friendships. The kind that last a lifetime. The kind of friends that include family or feel like family. I didn’t realize I had some of these friends until a few years ago. Friends I grew up with that I still connect with. Friends I may not see or talk to every day, for whom I would drop everything for if they were in need. And they would do the same for me.

I recently had dinner with one of my best friends we have been together since she was born, three days after me. we see each other two or three times a year. and, get this, we live three or four miles away from each other. The truth is, life can get in the way. At dinner, she aplogized for being out of touch. My first thought was, “no need to apologize because I am just as guilty.” We are at different places in life. She is married and has kids at home. I am single and live alone. But that does not make me value our friendship any less. We do less things together, but the love has not changed. And when asked about my best friends growing up, her name always comes up. And my response following that is, “and she is till one of my very best friends.” She is one of those friends that when we get together, we pick right up where we left off. I have a few friends like that, whom I can pick right up with.

I just went camping with another of those friends. We went camping together last weekend. Not glamping, not with an air matress or portable gourmet kitchen. But good old fashioned camping. Sleeping on the ground, cooking on the fire, peeing in the woods and no shower. Yeah, didn’t shower for a day and a half. We played games by the fire, we saw a bear near the campsite, and we fought off yellow jackets. But the weekend was fun anyway. Well, except that I shared my sleeping bag with my 68 pound dog. I think I need to invest in a double sleeping bag so I can share with Marshall. It was amazing to spend the weekend with a friend that I talk to on almost a daily basis, but hardly get to see. We talked about our kids and life. He is one of those friends I have known since high school, but didn’t realize how important he would be in my life until a few years ago. We have seen each other through some tough break ups, tough times raising kids, and exciting times raising kids. We have cried a lot together. I am so grateful that we were able to really reconnect and grow such an amazing friendship.

I have written about my tribe before, but I have been truly blessed to have them in my life. These women came into my life in the last year or two and it’s as if they were always there. When FaceBook pops up and says, “It’s your Friendiversary” I am surprised when it says 1 year, or 2 years. How is that possible? I can’t picture my life withouth these women. There are very few days when we don’t talk. These are the women I turn to when something happens with dating, being a divorced mom or dealing with an ex. I turn to them for so much more, however, they are the ones that completely understand the trials and tribulations of being divorced and single again. We straighten each others’ crowns and speak the truth, even if it hurts sometimes. We do game nights and girls’ weekends. An impromptu text to have a quick lunch during the work day. People always say that the challenges in life are not a sprint, they are like running a marathon. You have to go slow and steady to maintain strength for the full run. These women, they help me sustain my strength. They give me strength. I hope I return that for them. When one of us needs strength, those of us that have it, give it willingly.

I cannot write about friends and people that give you strength without writing about my family. There is absolutely no way I would have gotten through all the things in my life without family. I am, without a doubt, loved beyond belief. I may not always deserve it, I may take it for granted, but I know it’s there and I do know just how blessed I am. My parents have helped me through a divorce, buying a new home, totalling a car, getting a new job, helping me with my dogs and thousands of little things around the house that add up to tons and tons of love. And let’s not forget two surgeries. My mom slept on a little chair after my last surgery so I wasn’t home alone. She helped me shower and had to help me take care of my incisions. Not a pretty job at all. While I may not always show how appreciative I am, I do know exactly how much they do for me and there’s not a day that goes by that I’m not thankful for them and that I don’t think about how much I love them. And my sister…She has no clue how strong she is. She has been this incredible rock for her family. At the same time as she was being so strong for her family at home, she was helping me through a divorce. She would come to my house late at night and soothe me as I cried myself to sleep. She and I have gone through very different challenges in our lives. I don’t pretend to understand what she has gone through. But I have seen how she has handled it. The grace with which she has handled it all. She has not been through the same challenges as me. But what she offers me is a listening ear. Not suggestions, not a knowledge of what I feel, but someone who accepts me for my challenges and supports me and just hears me. She is too humble to even see the impact she has had on so many lives. Girl, I know you’re reading this. The strength I have found, the strength your family has, it’s you.

I can’t talk about family without talking about my kiddos. So here’s the thing, when I realized divorce was the only option, I knew I wasn’t the only one that would go through it. My kids were going to have to go through it too. Their challenges were going to be very different from mine. I also knew I wouldn’t understand what they were going through. My parents are still together. What I did know, was that they were not going to be burdened with the challenges I faced from the divorce. I was not going to burden them with having to take sides. They should be able to love both me and their dad equally, without having to feel guilty or like they are hurting us. I never wanted them to feel as though they would need to be my rock through this difficult time. I needed to be their mom and love them and get them through their challenges. The kids didn’t talk much about the divorce. I didn’t force it and I tried to always make it clear that I was there for them no matter what. It took me a long time to really be able to look at my relationship with them and appreciate what I have. You see, teenagers are tough. Whether they are part of an intact family, a blended family, or with single parents, they present challenges because they are going through their own challenges, that they are not quite mature enough to handle all the time. I had to learn to not take everything personally. Now, I can gain strength from them too, and they don’t even realize it. When I get a first day of classes picture it melts my heart that they thought of me. When I get a surprise that one of them is home and wants to spend time with me. When they ask me to come to a college game to get that experience, I feel like a million bucks. The phone calls and text exchanges I have with my kids are becoming something I look forward to. I used to walk on eggshells being afraid to say the wrong thing. Now, I can let most things roll right off and not take it personally. I will say, my kids expressed to me a little over a year ago, that they wished I had opened up more to them about the divorce. I don’t know if it is because there dad was very open with them about his feelings, that they needed my “side” to balance it out so they didn’t feel pulled in one direction. I have stood by my choice to not share that with them. That is their dad. I will not say bad things about him to make me feel better. They are welcome to vent to me about him just as they should be able to vent to him about me. However, I will not join in and perpetuate the frustration for my personal gain. It doesn’t help them. I will support them and protect them and be their strength, but I will not talk bad about him to them. In sticking with my morals, I have found such a happiness, and the kids seem truly happy for me. And when I see them enjoying school, I am thrilled for them. Seeing them happy brings me so much joy.

This, this is what I have been craving my entire life. To have such amazing friendships. Everyone is so completely important to me and I am truly blessed to have them all in my life. I can only hope that I bring them even half the joy and strength that they give me. Because of them, I can live my life free from anxiety, free from fear of being hurt by an intimate relationship, without putting up walls. I can be my true self with anyone and I don’t have to give a flying fuck if someone doesn’t like it. I’m surrounded by people who love me and do like me, so others are free to walk away. People may come into my life that make me very happy. And I will not put up walls and I will let them into my life. And I can go into that without fear of getting hurt. Because I know if that happens, I’m surrounded by love, and my entire tribe will pick me up and I will be okay. Having friends is powerful. Probably one of the most powerful super powers. You don’t have to have a lot of friends. You just need to have the ones that will let you be unapologetically you.

End of Summer Blues

Summer is coming to an end, which means bittersweet goodbyes to my kids and my older dog. In the beginning of summer I was worried about awkward moments with my kids and making sure our schedules were synched so they didn’t come home while I was in the middle of a date. There were times I would ask them not to come home on a certain night. I usually heard from my daughter, “awkward.” Yes Princess, it is awkward. But pretty sure it wouldn’t be as awkward as seeing me bent over my Sir’s lap like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo. Who knew Lucy and Ricky were kinky?

The summer was great. I had a wonderful time with the kids. I feel like we made huge strides in our relationships. I was able to enjoy my daughter so much as we travelled to Europe. We drank together and cried together and grew stronger together. I had some amazing quality time with my son. As we talked I could see that he was turning the corner from a young college student to a young man learning to take on responsibilities and hard work.

I just started to get used to our routine of them coming for dinner and or staying with me. I got used to my bed being shared with two snuggly dogs. And I even got used to the dogs waking me up an hour after I fell asleep because they refused to go out before heading to bed. I got used to hugs from the kids when they were here and watching them sleep (don’t tell them that part, they would think I am weird, but I still love the sound of their breathing when sleeping).

Today, I said goodbye to my son and my dog. They headed back to school early so my son could start working on his thesis for his senior year. Yes, his last year as an undergraduate!!! Where does the time go. I’m convinced it goes faster the older we get. My daughter heads back in a couple of weeks, however, she has such a full schedule, I don’t think I will get many more opportunities to see her. I laugh, because I kept thinking, it’s tough managing my single life schedule with my kids and I love my alone time. But the truth is, I love when my kids are here too. So, while I won’t have to worry about where they are staying at night and if I need to cancel a date or dinner with friends, I will miss my kids more than they know. I will have the quiet that I crave after a busy day at work, or after several nights of being out with friends and just needing a break. But I will miss the white noise of laughter from my kids and their friends. The noises that make my house feel like a home. While I won’t go through that extra 1 1/2 pounds of dog food every day, I will miss my older dog greeting me when I come home from work each day with his tippy tap feet. While I will have my lap back while I am watching tv, I will miss petting Spyder, as he thinks he is being sneaky and lying down on my lap (at 80 lbs, he thinks he is sneaky).

So, another transition that will give me more strength. I am learning not to be sad with these transitions but to be excited for what’s in store for me next. Road trips to State College, hopefully a Penn State football game, traveling to a Story Telling Festival, maybe a girls’ trip, camping with a friend, dates and more dates with my guy, a big graduation and much, much more fun in my life. So I will take some time to reflect on my amazing summer, and to acknowledge the sadness as my kids fly the nest, once again. I will be more than okay. I will be strong and I will thrive!!!!!!

Life is not a Spectator Sport

I have not posted in so long. I have been adjusting to a wonderful new way of life with my new job. I keep so busy during the day. It goes incredibly fast, and I am having such amazing experiences. And the best part is that when work is over, I am done working for the day. For the first time in 11 years, I am sleeping with my phone on vibrate. This is what it feels like to sleep in peace. The other wonderful part about my new job is that I can walk to work. It’s a great way to start and end the day.

So, I’m settling into work and settling into my new chapter and it’s May. This is the month I look forward to so much. The kids come home from college. I love having them home. And, even better, they seem happy to be spending time with me. But…yes, there is a but…when they tell me they don’t know which days they will be at my house, but they will just come over, well, that’s when I hear the needle slide off the vinyl and the lovely music come to a screeching halt. Yes, I am a single woman, however, I don’t rememer joining a convent. In fact, I might be struck by lightning if I tried.

So how do I tell my kids they are welcome MOST anytime, but maybe not all the time. I want my house to be open to them, however, I want to avoid any awkward situations. So, here’s the deal. My kids are in college. They are both adults. It’s going to be an awkward conversation, but much less awkward than having to put a sock on the door.

The rules have been discussed, and I am pretty sure they are good with it. Let’s make a plan for the week, so I can make my weekly plans (dates, girls’ nights out, etc). If you want to come over between those times, fantastic!!!!! But call first. If I don’t answer and my car is there, check the glass front door. If it’s locked…walk away. I have blocked you from getting to the door where there is a key. There’s a reason for that. Let’s not have an awkward moment. If my car is gone and that door is unlocked, come on in. This house is meant to feel like home. I want them to feel at home here. But, I have also gotten used to a life of living on my own.

This has been causing some anxiety for a while now. I wasn’t sure how the discussions would go. But they went well and I believe the kids understand. Without thinking about too much of what I have said to them, I think they are happy that I am so comfortable with myself, that I can be open with them. That I have a social life. I love that I can be open with them. And that they know just how much I love them and completely enjoy all the time I have with them. But they also respect that there are times that I will need to ask for some space also. Our relationship has grown so much, even in this past year.

It’s funny. A Facebook memory recently popped up and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The post was about my kids running a fun run and my ex running a marathon. The last sentence in my post was,” Me, I was an AWESOME spectator!!!!!!” I read that sentence over and over again. Why the hell was I so proud of being an awesome spectator. That was my role when I was married. I chose to support everyone else and leave my needs on the back burner. So, with my kids home, I will still be a participant in my life. I cannot always wait for their schedule. I am a participant in my own life, and if that means having awkward conversations with the kiddos so they understand that I am living life, well, so be it. Life should never be a spectator sport!

Just When You Get a Handle on Things

I have been through the separation and divorce process. It’s a roller coaster. But one thing I remember, is that just when you feel as though you have a handle on things, you realize how close you are to the actual divorce being final and BOOM! You have to find a place to live. Leaving the place you have lived and not knowing where you are going can be so scary.

I lived in my home for 11 years. My kids were raised in that home. We had family gatherings, birthdays, nerf wars, pool parties, lots of first days of schools, lots of movie nights… Sophia learned to cook in that kitchen. Our amazing dog, Shiloh, is buried there. The thought of leaving all that was heartbreaking. How could I leave all those memories? Not to mention, where was I going to go. Do I rent? Do I buy? What can I afford with my salary. It became very real that I might have to move in with my parents. I love my parents so much, but at 43, and dating again, I really did not like that option. I needed and wanted my independence. I can’t tell you how much I cried about not knowing what was next for me.

I realized the only option for me was to buy. I couldn’t afford rent in Loudoun County. I also knew I no longer wanted to live in the same town. Quite frankly, it was too small and I really had no friends keeping me there. Everyone was too busy with their lives and I certainly didn’t belong in any group.

So, the house hunting began. It’s very difficult to not just jump at the first place you see, due to sheer panic. But, with a lot of help from my mom, I had the patience to wait for the perfect home.

But this isn’t about my perfect home and loving where I am now. It’s about realizing that sometimes, we feel like we have everything under control, only to find another hurdle in our path. A big hurdle. It’s the idea that when you get divorced, if you have children or something else that keeps you connected with your ex, you will always be going through the divorce. Things happen that can knock the wind right out of you. Things you were never expecting. I still continue to have the wind knocked out of me, but I have learned that I am in control of how much power I give someone. And I am done giving someone else power over me. Not in a way that brings me down.

A couple of years ago, when my ex knocked the wind out of me, I couldn’t breathe for days. I would get so down. Now, when the wind gets knocked out of me, I step back and wonder why this person still has power over me. This is someone who I would never choose to be friends with, if given a chance. I can be nice, and get along very well, and I will mean it. But, I really don’t care what he feels about me, so there is no reason I cannot hold strong to my boundaries. So, that’s what I do. I stick with my values, with my boundaries. If my kids get mad, it’s okay. Some day they will understand where I am coming from. If their dad gets mad…well, I really don’t care.

No matter how long you have been divorced, if you have children, the ex will always be in your life. Figure out what you are willing to compromise and what you are not. For me, I have learned that sticking to our Property Settlement Agreement is a much better way to handle things, because it’s binding and easier to set my boundaries that way. Know what works for you and stick with it. Don’t let someone rule your life and your emotions, even if you can’t get them out of your life for a long time.

Learn from Your Kids

The moment my son was born, July 4, 1998, my entire world changed. I chose to stay home with him and when my daughter was born, I continued to stay home. I adored being home with them. But at times it was an emotional roller coaster. The highs of hearing their first words and seeing their first steps, of my daughter sucking her thumb and twirling my hair, my son telling me he said a bad word so he went ahead and ate the soap already. But there were also lows. Not always having adult conversation could be lonely. The emotions you feel when your children are hurting can be heart wrenching. and those days when you fogot to even brush your teeth.

When my world changed and my family unit was shattered, my first thought was, “How am I going to get the kids through this?” I tried to do everything I possibly could to help them, but realized I was not taking care of me. So I turned to taking care of me, maybe a little too much. I would go out drinking and I would pretend I was okay. When the kids started staying with their dad, at his girlfriend’s house, I struggled with the fact that the kids had a new life that was separate from me. That was devastating! But the kids had to see that I was okay with this. So when I was at the house by myself, I was usually going out and drinking and being very angry. I was staying out late and then going to work early. I was wearing myself out. On top of that, I was studying to take the realtor’s exam. So, on the days when the kids were home, I tried to be uplifting and positive, however, I was tired and my emotions would get the best of me.

I started to feel like my kids didn’t want to be around me. I was so hurt. They were never mean or hurtful to me, but I just didn’t feel like they liked me very much. The identity I had of being their mom from the dys they were born had to be readjusted to something different. because I ent from being their married mom to being their single mom. Those two moms are very different people.

When I got separated, I promised the kids I would never say anything bad to them about their dad and I would NEVER ask them to not tell their dad something. I never wanted to put them in a position to feel they had to choose. I have kept that promise and will continue to do so. I tried to be excited for the kids when they would tell me about their new family. At first, it crushed me to hear it. But soon, it became normal. And not long after the normalcy set in, I learned to be grateful that my kids had additional people in their lives to provide them with support.

An interesting thing happened when I stopped being angry and accepted the new way of life. I was no longer trying to constantly numb the pain. I made new friends and built new relationships. I started to find happiness. When I was happy, my kids wanted to be around me. My time with them is even less now, however, the quality is second to none. The kids no longer have to worry bout me. They can act their age. And I can provide them with the support they need. My kids have taught me that I am so strong. I can get through anything. I am brave. I have conquered the unknown and thrived. They have taught me that my happiness directly effects our relationship. And they have also taught me that I am a damn good mom. I have made mistakes, but at the end of the day, my kids will never question whether or not I love them and they know I will support them.

So, as a mom, I want to be the one to teach my kids everything. But sometimes I have to remember to step back and listen to the actions of my kids and learn from them. They have a whole lot to teach me.

Holiday Blues

Holidays can be such a difficult time when you don’t have a partner with whom to share it. For me, I spend Christmas Eve with my kids (who spend most of their time on their phones…snapchatting their dad), my parents and my sister and her family. While it’s always a wonderful family filled day, and I know thay my family makes sure I have extra gifts to open so I’m not sitting around watching everyone else open (Mom, I know you read this, and thank you), there’s still that underlying feeling of being all alone. Even when I have brought a significant other home, it has felt awkward and lonely.

So, when it comes to Christmas shopping, I hate it. I was never good at it before. But now, I do anything and everything to avoid it. This year, I have done all I can online, but I’m still not close to being done. Between holiday parties and work, I have Sunday to get it done. When you are already pretty down about it, dealing with crowds who are feeling pretty similar, is just no fun.

This time can be rough, but we will get through it. One of the tools I use is to count down the days. So, today is Friday. I have 3 days to complete everything before Christmas Eve. If I want to scare myself shitless I can say to myself, “Wow, you don’t have much time.” So, to make myself feel better…I say to myself, “Wow, you don’t have much time.” Wait! Before you think I’ve lost my marbles, hear me out. The first meaning is, holy cow! you have so much to do and so little time. No way will it all be done on time. The second is simply, hey, there’s only 3 mor days for you to worry about this and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy the family time. Yes, the next 3 days are going to be sooooo hectic. But it’s three days. It’s like a really busy work week. I really should get all my holiday shopping done throughout the year, but who am I really kidding. I say that every year, and every year, here I am. So my New Years Resolution is to stop lying to myself and just know I’ll be procrastinating for Christmas again next year.

So, how do I plan to get everything done in the next three days? Simple. Tonight, I’m going to spend it with my girlfriends for a wonderful holiday party. Tomorrow morning, maybe some wrapping of what I have and figuring out what I need. But I work all day tomorrow, so I’ll be gone from around 11:30 am until around 11 pm. So, instead of 3 hectic days, I’m giving myself Sunday. One day to get it all done. But first, I have to go to church to watch my daughter play flute. So…1/2 a day. I won’t be putting on any old big girl panties to tackle Sunday. It’s a day for my Wonder Woman panties.

So. Happy holidays to everyone reading. I hope that even if the holiday season is a tough time for you, you can choose to look at the positive and realize you are so close that you can soon get to a time where you can relax.