It’s been a while since I posted and everyone is just coming off of the New Year and maybe has made some New Year’s Resolutions. While the holidays were filled with tons of stress and I really struggled, I had a great visit with my kids. I didn’t see my son much, however, my daughter and I had such a wonderful visit.
When my kids headed back to school, I started thinking about the New Year and how we often make resolutions that involve health or organization. Once the stress of the holidays left me, I felt so light. And I have been feeling very light for quite some time, except, of course, for situational stress. I realized that as I look back on the last year or so, I have lost a ton of weight. But the thing is, the scale says the same thing. What’s happening? Well, I look back on the last year and a half and realized I have stopped harboring anger.
What did my anger look like? Well, I find when I am angry I ruminate on the object of those thoughts. I compare my life to their’s. I find ways to make myself a victim of that person. Every part of it is unhealthy. It is hard to let go of the anger. It’s much easier to feel that way, but it’s also a much bigger weight to carry. I have said for years and years that I have forgiven my ex. I said it while we were still married. I thought I had, but I realize I hadn’t. I spent almost 10 years hoping to become a better person so my ex would still love me. The thing is, I wasn’t able to be a better me…the real me, because I was still broken. I couldn’t have conversations with my ex without thinking mean thoughts. It was ugly. This past year and a half, I have focused on myself and the relationships around me that are healthy. I have built relationships that I can keep my baggage out of.
Here’s the thing about forgiveness. No matter how much you want to get rid of that extra weight, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process. It’s self discovery. Finding yourself allows you to let go of what you harbor. Allows you to realize, what people do to you is a reflection of them, not who you are. It is a road of self confessions. Maybe my husband didn’t want to be with me anymore because I no longer wanted to be with him. And boy did I show that every day. While trying to outwardly be an amazing person, I was actually becoming someone hateful and ugly. I would get in bed and turn my back. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t forgive, because I never felt like I could step back and work on just myself. I was always working on saving a marriage.
Once I had the time to care for myself and rediscover me, I could see what I needed to do to stop allowing this baggage to follow me around. Please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying people are at fault for being hurt by someone. That is not it at all. But, how we react is up to us. Once I chose to focus my efforts on loving myself, I was able to move away from my anger. I was able to face the person I had become that allowed myself to react the way I did. My self discovery also required help from friends and family that were honest. Honest to the point that I had to face my demons. I don’t speak up for myself because I am afraid people will walk away from me. I am too eager to please others. What that meant was that I allowed people to stay in my life that weren’t healthy. I was too afraid to be alone to ask them to leave. It also meant I wasn’t always an honest friend. I was too afraid to be honest if something bothered me. All of this is a work in progress and it’s hard work. I can still fall back into my old ways. But I have learned that I don’t have to carry that anger with me. When I take inventory on my life, I don’t have the vacations I used to. Life isn’t always as easy financially. But my happiness is through the roof.
Anger and hatred weigh more than the heaviest of barbells. And we don’t just do 3 sets of 10. We drag it behind us. So, when you hear the term ball and chain, it’s not the people around us that are our balls and chains. It’s our anger and resentment. You don’t have to tell someon you forgive them. They don’t need to ask for forgiveness (most never do). Look at ways to improve yourself, and never look back. Let that shit go.