Tag: Relationships

Freedom in Love

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

There’s a great quote by Thich Nhat Hanh, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” I love that. Love should never make someone feel trapped. Whether that love is romantic, family, or friends, the people you love should feel free.

Free love is confidence. It’s honesty. It’s strength. It’s hard. But it’s the most powerful love, that someone is free, yet chooses to love you. To understand giving someone the freedom to love you, we must first understand what we do to take away that freedom.

I have been passive aggressive. I’ve thrown little jabs, just to be petty. It’s manipulative and just brings the ones you love down. They start to feel angry and resentful and they become tied up in knots.

Word games are the worst. My favorite words used to be “I’m fine.” I would say it when I was not fine at all. But, if people didn’t try to come and help me, I would be hurt because they failed me. If you feel something, or if you need something, say it out loud, to the ones you love. People are not mind readers, and should not be expected to know what you need.

Guilt…I’ve done it. Tried making people feel guilty for not wanting to be with me. Well, that is a sure way to make someone feel trapped. If you are upset that someone may not want to do something with you, speak your truth in a healthy way. Don’t use guilt to force them. It’s not authentic, if they really didn’t want to be there anyway.

So, what does loving someone so they feel free look like? It is honesty. Say what your feeling, ask how the other person is feeling. Work through those together without blame. Know that there may not be blame. Sometimes, you may find the feelings are misunderstandings. If you need something, ask for it. Don’t assume the person will know, and defintely don’t be angry because they didn’t figure it out.

We must understand that we do not possess other people. So, when I say “my kids” or “my boyfriend” I don’t say it because they belong to me. I trust that they love me, that they want to spend time with me. That doesn’t mean they cannot spend time away from me. When my kids chose to spend time with their dad, I think it’s great that they have a good relationship with him. When my boyfriend leaves for a golf week with the guys, I love that he has some time away with his friends. I don’t feel hurt. I know the kids love me. While the time we have is limited, it is always quality time, and I soak it all in. My boyfriend and I spend so much time together. When he can get out with his friends, I love that for him. It’s the same with friends and family. I have learned it is not rejection if I ask someone to do something and they can’t. I know the people around me love me, and they are free to have other friends and other interests.

If someone doesn’t make me feel free to be me, or if they really don’t want to spend time with me, it doesn’t matter if I love them. I must be strong enough to let them go…let them be free to walk away. After all, I really don’t want to be with anyone that does not give me autonomy, nor do I want to be with someone that doesn’t choose to be with me.

So, when someone feels free in your love, their love is powerful. They love without resentment. They love without fear. And, most importantly, they are with you because it’s a choice, not out of guilt or duty. Being loved just because someone loves you for who you are, is the absolute best!!!!!

Never Settle…Enjoy the Ride of Your Life

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

I used to be filled with anxiety. My fear…dying. Every day, I woke up wondering if that was the day I would die. I lived in fear. One day, I realized, I was afraid to die because I had not made the most of my life. I never embraced the real me. Always did what I thought I was supposed to do. I was sad, I was afraid and I felt so lonely.

I decided to make an incredible journey. I took my life back. It was the scariest thing I had ever done, but I learned to take my shoes off and feel the earth under my feet again. I let me hair go wild. I took off the make up and embraced my natural self. And I took that great big bucket that was heaping full of insecurity and tossed it in my newly found, dumpster size, fuck it bucket.

As a single woman, I had people ask me about finding a companion. Finding someone so I didn’t have to be alone. Honestly, for a while, I felt the need to find someone so I didn’t have to go through life alone. But, as my journey continued, that idea of companionship got tossed in that fuck it bucket. I didn’t want just a companion. I wanted it all. I wanted friendship, passion, craziness and adventure. Nothing less would be good enough for me. I want to be with someone with whom I can stay young, as my age increases. I deserve that.

We do only have one life. But I realized, time I thought I had wasted was really not wasted at all. That was the time spent in that long line for the most awesome ride ever. That was time preparing for what was to come. I got stronger. My fuck it bucket started to fill up. My straight path of doing what I thought I should be doing, well, it curved a bit so I could follow my own path.

Friends and family made me realize I wasn’t alone. I started to really get that I loved the time to myself. As much as I would have loved to have shared it with a partner, I didn’t want to settle and just share it with anyone. And I realized I could wait for it. In the meantime, I would figure myself out and love the single life. The longer I was single, the pickier I was about a partner. It was going to take someone awful special and strong to be with someone that knows their worth. I would need to find someone that was okay with my independence and okay with me doing things with my friends and family. Who was strong enough to handle my strong will.

I wouldn’t settle for anything less than someone who made me feel alive. Someone who gives me butterflies and someone I can picture myself salsa dancing with when we are in our 70s or 80s. Anything less, would be settling. And I deserve it all.

When I met my partner, I didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t really looking for anything. I was still working on myself. He was fun. We had an amazing time, but I wasn’t looking towards the future. But then something happened. The more we talked, the more the friendship built. I was learning I could say anything to him. I could be completely myself, and he never flinched. The butterflies started coming. We would spend hours on the phone while he was headed to work. He called every morning. We would talk while he drove and I got ready for work. It was a really nice routine and we never ran out of things to talk about. When I travelled to Italy, we talked almost every day. When COVID hit, it was a little different but we still kept communication open. I went through really tough times through COVID. I felt alone. I had my friends and family. But everyone was staying far away. Our relationships continued through computer screens. He was my constant. He saw the worst of me. The me that isn’t always happy. And he didn’t waiver. I started playing golf so we could get out and see something other than my house. We had so much fun.

He moved in at the beginning of this year. We have had adjustments, but one thing has not changed. We never stop talking. We listen to each other. We are really good at communication. And…I still get butterflies. I love the smile on his face when I walk in the room. I look at him and I never feel like I settled. I never expected to feel this way when he first approached me. But, I look into our future and I see two really old people acting like teenagers, salsa dancing in the kitchen.

Life is a wild ride. I used to try to control everything and had a plan, well, my plan was what I thought others wanted for me. But I’m not a planner. So, I think I will put my hands up, scream and laugh, and enjoy the ride I am on. And I can’t picture doing this ride with anyone else.

Boundaries, the Path to Healthy Relationships

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been reading a book about boundaries and self care. It has made me step back and look at the boundaries I set and how I accept the boundaries other people set. When reflecting on my life I realize just how far I have come.

I never used to have boundaries. Self care was almost non-existent. My life was about living for other people. This was my own fault. I never created boundaries. Never asked for what I needed. I spent so much time feeling like I needed to be the perfect wife and mother (I most definitely was not). I felt like I was running around supporting everyone else and just never really looked at what I needed.

I was afraid to speak up for myself. Not because I thought people wouldn’t love me for not being able to go to every game or be at every coaching event. But I was afraid I would feel like a failure for not being perfect. The truth is, I gave up boundaries for others. I didn’t understand that the root of my anxiety was, most likely, my lack of boundaries. I didn’t understand my depression was, most likely, my lack of boundaries.

I realized that if someone set boundaries for me, I didn’t take it well. I took everthing as a rejection. I tried to find excuses as to why I wasn’t really overstepping boundaries. I couldn’t handle when people set boundaries for me.

I always thought boundaries were for my work. Make sure to always keep things confidential. Don’t develop personal friendships with clients. Don’t disclose personal information to clients. These were the only boundaries I knew.

This book didn’t teach me boundaries. I have been learning them. I have a group of girlfriends that are so open and honest. Our friendships are not about following what others are doing. It’s about being real with each other. We straighten each others’ crowns, but we are also honest with each other, even when it’s hard. If I have hurt one of them, they tell me. I never intend to hurt anyone, but sometimes, we go through things and hurt people unknowingly. When my girlfriends have confronted me with what I have done, I have not tried to make excuses for my behavior and I have apologized. And I will admit, it feels good to accept those boundaries. And they have also taught me that I can set boundaries of my own, and it doesn’t mean I have failed.

Setting boundaries is still hard for me. But I can tell my kids that I would love a schedule of their plans when they will be at my house. I can tell them when I need help. And they rise to the occassion.

At work, I’ve learned that I need to set boundaries too. Sometimes I try to work so hard and get everything done as fast as possible. However, I have learned that I burn out if I keep going without a break. So, I have learned to take work at an even pace and work and make sure I am focused on doing the work throughly. If it isn’t fast enough, it will just show that I need the help. When I am struggling, Iam comfortable going to my supervisor and telling her I am struggling. I used to work through lunch to keep working, but now, I always take my lunch break.

And my amazing partner has taught me it is safe to set boundaries with him. Setting boundaries has kept our communication wide open and that is so important. If I need something, I know I can tell him, and he doesn’t get angry, he doesn’t tell me I am being selfish and he doesn’t make me feel crazy. We figure it out in a healthy way. Because we can talk so openly, we make a great team.

What it comes down to, is boundaries open communication in any relationship. It teaches us to talk with the people in our lives about what we need. It also teaches us to look at ourselves and accept the boundaries others set for us. And ultimately, it is the recipe for an amazing relationship with yourself.

Blending

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

Life is a roller coaster.  Nothing is ever the same.  One moment, you’re enjoying vacations with your family, the next, your divorced, then you learn to love yourself and be completely content with living life with your family and friends and knowing you are not alone, even without a significant other.  And then, you meet someone, unexpectedly.  Life is filled with twists and turns, and sometimes even a loop-de-loop.  I have learned to raise my hands high and enjoy the roller coaster. 

So let’s chat about blended families.  Most of my girlfriends have younger kids.  The decision to introduce someone to the kids is huge, and you want to be careful with the kiddos of who you introduce.   With older kids, it’s a bit different.  My kids are only home during college breaks and the summer.  I really didn’t have to worry too much about introductions for a while.  But, one day, my daughter met him on accident.  He was trying to get out the door before she got home, but we were just enjoying chatting and lost track of time.  They met briefly.  It took a long time for me to really let him in and have her join us for dinner.  But once the meetings were intentional, I knew I had really let my walls down. 

I met his son too.  When he allowed us to meet, I knew he was letting his walls down too.  The intention of introductions to your kids feels huge.  There is the idea that you are that important that they want to share you with the most important people in their life.  Eventually, he met my son and I met his daughter.  Let the blending begin. 

When he moved in, he gave me phone numbers for his kids and his sisters, for emergencies.  I did the same for him.  I was really careful to not use them.  Blending and introducing young kids, I’m sure is super scary and challenging.  You have questions such is discipline and when to have sleep overs and leaving kids alone with the significant other and telling the other parent.  But, it’s difficult with adult children also.  Our kids have been so accepting.  That has not been a challenge at all.  We are both so fortunate to have children that want nothing more than to see their parents happy.  I love that about my kids and I love that about his kids.  But, my kids have a step mom (I have written about steps before), and she has never stepped on my toes as a mom.  Our kids are adults and they all have both their parents.  His kids have a mom.  My kids have a dad.  The challenge is to make sure the kids know you are not there to replace anyone.

I am someone who is in their lives because I love their dad to bits.  The three of us have a common desire, and that is to see their dad happy and smiling.  For that, I am so grateful to them.  I have no intentions of stepping on their toes.  I don’t need to be a mother to them.  They have a mom.  I would never want to replace that.  Just as I would never want someone to step in and replace me as a mom.  I will be there for them and be excited for their successes and want to support them through challenges, but when it comes to advice, I am here if they want it, but will never push anything on them. 

Meeting family has been amazing also.  My family has welcomed him with open arms.  They had been dying to meet the man that has put a smile on my face and allowed me to be completely myself.  It’s always scary introducing someone to the family.  But they love that he makes me happy. 

A month ago I went with him and his daughter and grandson to meet his sisters.  They were so completely welcoming.  They loved seeing their brother happy.  And to hear him talk about me, about the little notes I hide for him every morning, they could see his face light up.  His sisters and their families are amazing.  I loved hearing about their parents and growing up.  They pulled out family albums.  I just felt like I belonged.  We went to celebrate their father’s birthday.  The first birthday since he passed away.  I wanted to make sure I was respectful of that.  I stepped back from family pictures, so they could have their family moments.  They pulled me right in anyway. Blending…

Our families have not met, but we continue to grow together as a family unit. We continue to blend and I am loving every moment of it. I look forward to building relationships with his family and watching him build relationships with mine.

Some Days, I am a Porcupine

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

Life can deal you a pretty crappy hand sometimes. I was having a fantastic week, a little exhausted from a fun weekend, but still fantastic. Then, it hit. I left work yesterday, excited for a day off, playing golf with one of my favorite people. Days with him are always amazing. I got to my car and a flat tire. I was doing okay. Got roadside assistance and was able to take my car to the shop. They didn’t have the tires needed. Okay, I was offered cars. I was able to find a ride. But I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I wanted to be home early and get some much needed sleep. I was way overtired. It was already 7 PM.

Miscommunications and misunderstandings on my part led me to not have a car. Which led to lots of feelings. Mainly, the feeling of being alone. Since COVID became a thing, I have felt alone. It’s wonderful to see family. But there’s no more freedom. Wearing a mask stinks. I hate that feeling of not getting enough air. Of being really hot. But it’s most important to protect the ones I love. But watching everyone sit with their family, while I sit at a table alone, it’s just a reminder that I am alone. Normally, I can laugh and joke about it (doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt). But exhaustion changes everything.

I become a complete porcupine. My quills go up and I push everyone away. I’m a jerk. And I am a jerk to the people closest to me. I’m sorry for that. If anyone tries to be nice, my quills get shot out. I want to be alone. I want to push people away. And then, I back pedal. I regret it and I’m sorry for how I acted. But, when I apologize, I minimize my feelings of aloneness. Just because I’m sorry…just because I’ve gotten past it…doesn’t mean those feelings are gone. It just means I have tucked them away for another day where I am exhausted.

I am so blessed to have friends and family I can call on when I need them. In these times, it’s hard. The people I love don’t need to be put at risk and there will always be a bit of hesitation. But I know they want to help. I’m grateful that I have people that teach me that I really don’t need to be a porcupine. I know I don’t. And I try to work really hard on that. But, when I’m exhausted, I lose sight of all the things I’ve learned in the last few years. I can’t see past this insecure person I used to be. Old habits die hard.

To my mom, my sister and my favorite golf partner, I’m sorry for pushing you away and being a jerk. I’m so thankful to have all of you in my life and even more grateful that you recognize that I’m not really a porcupine. In fact, when it seems like I am shooting out quills, that’s probably when I need you the most. When I push you away, it’s not a test and it’s not meant to hurt you ever. It’s me hurting myself because my insecurities come flooding back. And I don’t want you to see that I’m not always that Wonder Woman I worked so hard to become.

Bridging the Gap…Healthy Communication in a Country Divided.

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

Let’s face it.  2020 has been a year like no other we have experienced.  Pandemics, a country’s economy brought to a standtill for quarantine, murder hornets, cicadas, racism and the worst political divide I have seen in my lifetime.  The unrest can make people angry, sad, afraid and hopeless.  I have been angry.  I have posted angry things.  All things I have believed, but angry.  We all have a right to be angry.  We all have our own beliefs and our own morals and we cling to them.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Until we find ourselves so closed off that we cannot grow.  I never used to look at my friends and think, liberal or conservative.  I have never been one to talk political.  But I will speak my mind about things I believe in.  I have found, more and more, that it causes a divide in friendships and relationships.  Heck, when I was on the dating sites people say, don’t swipe right if you associate with one political party or another.  What ever happened to decent, healthy conversation?

After my last relationship, I swore up and down I could never have a boyfriend that is conservative.  But here is what I have learned in the last year or so.  I have some amazing conservative friends with whom I can have very healthy conversations.  We can disagree on things, yet be respectful and actually hear each other.  We can also come together to find common ground where we stand together.  I enjoy hearing the other side of things, where I can take information in.  I can question without anger.  I can get honest and kind answers.  I may not change my thinking, but I can soak in the information I have received.  I can do the research.  I may come back with other research, and hope that person can soak that information in too.  Often, I may come back an say, “wow, you make some great points.  That is definitely food for thought.”  But I might also come back with information about my lived experiences, especially in conversation about social justice.  While I may not have experienced social injustice, I have certainly witnessed it through years of work. 

My boyfriend (yep, he is conservative) and I have talked quite a bit these last couple of weeks about what’s going on.  What’s amazing is, I don’t feel like I can’t speak my mind.  We have total respect for the other’s viewpoints.  He shares his military experience, I share my social work experience.  We have very different perspectives.  And we do hear each other.  While I consider myself liberal, I do not find that I consider my agenda a liberal agenda.  I alway try to follow my path and look at humans as individuals who deserve to be treated with fairness and respect.  I think my boyfriend feels the same about that, and that is why we can have these conversations. 

I have also had people that post terrible things on both sides.  “Conservatives are racist.”  “Liberals are idiot.”  These are on the kinder side of what people are saying.   I will admit, I do shut down when I hear these things.  When people are close minded and refuse to hear anything, I have to be honest, I dig my heels in and don’t want to hear what they have to say.  This shuts off healthy communication. I have no desire to be around people like that. They are part of the problem.

What is the saying? “United we stand, divide we fall.” Just look at our country, the United States of America. We are hardly a united country. That does not mean we have to agree on everything. But it does mean we have to work together. Right now there are some pretty powerful people (politically and economically, on both sides) that are benefitting from the country being divided. Don’t let them do that. Open your ears. Open your hearts. Understand that just because someone has different beliefs than you, different morals, if does not make that person bad. It makes them different. Don’t just listen to the media. Listen to what every day people have to say. Listen to lived experiences. That is a life changer. Let us work together to make this country a better place for everyone here. Let us work together, through healthy conversations, through healthy disagreements, to make this country a place of peace and unity. That starts with you and me.

Forgotten Purpose

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

I promise, this is not another pity party post. The last one was doom and gloom. We are all suffering through this pandemic. Social distancing and isolation (alone or with family) are tests of our spirit. Being told to stay home is difficult. My first thought was home projects. But, that requires trips to Walmart or Home Depot or Lowes. At some point, that may be essential to my sanity, but I am just not there yet, to take that risk. So, when I am home, I do some cleaning, but mostly, I stream shows and movies. And I think, there has to be more purpose to my life right now than watching TV and doing puzzles. This was a conversation I had with my girlfriends the other day, in our group chat.

One of the asked if we all felt we were losing a sense of purpose. The monotany of being home. Waking up and doing the same thing that day as you have done the past 30 days makes it difficult to see the point. But, another woman spoke up with, “just curious what you felt your purpose was when things were normal.” Wow!!!! It’s not a question I visited daily. Yes, I have thought about the things I have done in my life and thought about it. But, what this made me do is revisit what I was living my life for prior to all this.

What I learned is that what I saw as my purpose was on a much larger scale. It was very broad. For a living, I help people. I provide them comfort when they are seeking help for mental illness or substance abuse. I am a mother and a friend. I support the people I love. I did have a sense of purpose. And how are those things different than now?

For starters, I feel like I don’t always have the ability to support the people I love. We are all going through such different emotions. When I am down, I know I don’t have the capacity to actively help someone through their emotional valley. Not because I don’t care, but because I am clawing my way out too. Loss of purpose. I am considered essential at work, however, I can no longer see clients face to face and right now, very few people are calling in. The connection is not the same. Loss of purpose. My kids are in their house up in State College. I don’t hear from them very often at all. Loss of purpose. Dinners, game nights, drinks, dates (human connection)…all gone. Loss of purpose. But, are all these things really a loss of purpose, or do I need to rethink how broad my thoughts on purpose are?

Another friend very wisely said, “I have definitely had days where I had to go even smaller scale.  When you’re really challenged, and finding too many days of doing nothing, just say to yourself, what is my purpose today? Or before bed, on a bad day, plan your purpose for tomorrow.  Make it small and easily achievable, then build on it.” I have spent years working with clients and telling them to break their goals down to smaller ones. But I couldn’t see it for myself. I needed someone to tell me.

So, I have started breaking it down. What a difference that has made. Also, I have to remind myself that to carry out my purpose it may look different than a month ago. But the purpose is still there. So today, my purpose is to work from home and help those who reach out. I can also reach out to others, but sharing with all of you. My purpose as mom is to reach out to my daughter, who is celebrating her 20th birthday today. To make sure she knows that even though there are stay home regulations, just because she is out of sight, she is never out of my mind. I will reach out to my loved ones and make sure everyone is doing okay. I have a plan to do an online Zumba class, to stay healthy.

Our purpose is way bigger than today, or tomorrow or even this month. But, during a time like this, or any other time, when it’s hard to see the big picture, break it down. You do have a purpose, things may seem mundane right now, but they are not hopeless. We are not the first to go through quarantine like this. But we are the first to be fortunate enough to continue to have outside communication, with all the technology we have. I have learned that web meetings and video happy hours are absolutely no replacement for human contact. But that is what we have for now, and we are not alone in that. Our purpose, is to make the most of what we have right now. Learn from it. Take care of ourselves and to make sure the people around us are okay, when we have the capacity to do that. Be kind to yourself. If the day is bad, let others take care of you. That is still a purpose. People want to be needed. So, if you are down, you may just be helping someone else with there sense of purpose too.

So, be kind to yourselves and take care of yourselves. Stay home, stay safe. I cannot wait to see everyone when we come through this.

A New Year, A New Decade…Living My Best Life

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

Not only do we have the clean slate of a new year, it’s a double whammy! A new decade. How were the 2010’s for you? I certainly haven’t kept the last 5 years a secret from anyone. The first five were unhappy. The next 3 seemed pretty unhappy, but were actually years of strength building…training for a marathon, if you will. The last 2 have definitely been so much better. But I have still been working on my strength training for that marathon. What kind of marathon, you ask? The Decade of Happiness.

This decade, I want to live my best life. This is going to be my Roaring ’20s. I have turned a huge corner, and this past year has been mind blowing…setting me up for the best years to come. The year started with a bang. I left my job of 11 years for a new job with more opportunity. The year ended with me being nominated for an award in that job. It’s a place for me to thrive and I am so happy there.

I have learned how to balance life so I am surrounded by happiness. I have learned to navigate what I am willing to compromise and how to stand up for myself when compromise is not an option. I can be an awesome mom, a great daughter/sister/friend and still be an amazing (there’s just no good label) girlfriend/lover/whatever it’s called. In fact, I think I have upped my relationship game. I have thrown away my passive aggressiveness and replaced it with healthy communication. Sometimes I still need help, but I am very aware of the need to communicate better. I have replaced my fear of being hurt by others, with a strength to embrace the love that people give back to me and a trust that I am loved back. The shame I felt with myself, the lack of confidence, has been permanently replaced with an “I don’t give a flying fuck” attitude. And, with all of these new replacements, I never compromised my core values. I am still kind to others (I just don’t let them walk over me), I am still loyal to those around me (but I will be more honest if something is bothering me) and I still have a heart of gold.

I have learned an amazing balancing act to live my best life. I can go out a few days a week with friends and family, yet still be happy curled up on my couch for a few nights with my pup dog. I find happiness in both and a need for both. I am not afraid of my relationships. Not a single one of them. My family, well, they are just incredible. They have always been there for me. I only hope that I can do even half of what they do for me. I lost the importance of family for too long. I don’t ever intend to do that again. Tears, laughter, sorrow, hurt, silliness…my family has been there through it all. They are my warriors.

I have found so much joy and peace in my friendships. I can count on my girlfriends to be honest and tell me when I’m an idiot. They tell me things I may not want to hear. And they catch me when I fall. We catch each other when we fall. We check in on each other almost daily, whether it’s a group chat or one-on-one. And my friends that I have had for years, well, we have our routine. I used to feel like maybe I had done something wrong when we didn’t connect for a while, but I have learned that no one has done anything wrong. We have our routines and we know that we would drop everything to be there for the other. I feel very comfortable with that.

And, I can’t forget my guy. He was my toughest barrier this year. What was supposed to be tons of fun turned into something more than I imagined. Quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. I fought it and fought it. My girlfriends laughed at how I tried to keep him and my feelings contained in a box. But I woke up one day and said, “screw it!” I haven’t felt this way in such a long time. At least a decade. But the fear of my feelings was taking my strength away. There is such a strength in owning your feelings. So, I told him I love him. I didn’t say it to hear the words back. I didn’t say it because I thought that was what he wanted to hear. I said it because it was what I felt and I needed to stop being afraid. I needed to look at the strong foundation in my life and know that whatever happened when I said it, I would be okay. To know that those around me would catch me, if those words ended something amazing. To know that they would leap for joy with me if those words were repeated back. And to know that they would ground me and help me regroup if I wasn’t sure of the response.

What have I learned these last several years. Other people are completely out of my control. So, when my daughter says, “You do you,” well, thanks for the advice and I will take it. I cannot make someone love me. I cannot make friends like me. But it will happen naturally if I am completely me.

So, I have no idea what’s in store for me this decade. Life can throw some crazy curveballs. But I have my armor of confidence on and am ready. I will be living my best life. No room for fear. Just a decade of being myself. Being there to lift others when they need me, and knowing when to ask for help when I need it. With the foundation I have, I’m a lucky Wonder Woman. I will be able to conquer anything.

Thank you to all the amazing people in my life. Every one of you got me through some crazy tough times. Every one of you plays a special role in my life and I appreciate everything I have learned from all of you. So long 2010’s…Hello 2020’s! Happy New Decade!!!!!

Fake It, Fake It, Fake It…(Screw it, I suck at faking it)

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

My kids told me once that they hated it when I said “fake it ’til you make it.” My thought was, pretend I am strong and eventually I will be. Don’t tell a soul what I am going through. Sweep it all under the rug and it will evaporate or dissolve. The truth is, sadness is not water, nor is it sugar. It won’t evaporate nor dissolve. I also learned that hiding my sadness created tension in relationships and increased my anxiety. My behavior would become passive aggressive and I found myself alone and just expecting people close to me to recognize something was wrong. I found myself alone and anxious.

To say that I have solved all those problems would be a complete lie. It would also be a lie to say that I don’t struggle with falling back into those patterns. It’s a constant internal battle. I find it so much easier, at the time, to say something passive aggressively, then to say the hard things, like why am I struggling. My thought process is that if I am putting it out there, I am being a drama queen or I am being needy. I never want to bring people around me down.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that my pride gets in the way. I want people to see me as strong and not as needy. It’s taken me a long time to learn the practice of humility. To come off my high horse and say, “I am struggling today. I might need some help getting through this. I might need a shoulder to cry on. I might need you to just hold space for me and hear my sadness.” So, give me a moment as dismount my horse named Pride…

It’s been a little over a week that I have been struggling. It’s no surprise, as the holiday season can be difficult for many. I have had my Christmas tree up since before Thanksgiving. There is not a single ornament up, nor are there any other decorations up in my house. I have some presents, but really no inventory of what I have nor what I need still. I have been working my day job and I have been working my Saturday job in the evenings, during the week. Between all the extra hours and the stress, my body hurts. And it’s not the good kind of hurt, like the day after a workout or after a good “playdate” with my guy. I feel as though I was run over. My legs are throbbing and my shoulders feel so tight it hurts to move. I cry at the drop of a hat and I feel like the Grinch. This will pass and I know it will. On December 24, when my family celebrates Christmas, I will feel my body sink into a chair and relax. All the stress and anxiety will leave my body. But that’s not for another 9 days. Let’s be honest. In sadness time, that is eons. Nine days of fighting my pride. Nine days of saying, “I am struggling.”

What do I need during this time? Not much. There are times of sadness that we find we need to be carried through. This isn’t one of those times for me. I just need some open space to say what I am feeling. No advice, just safe space. If I tell you, “I’m fine.” call me out on it. That shouldn’t be confused with, “I will be fine.” I am very aware that what this is is temporary. A little extra hug, but if you see a tear, ignore it. Maybe some humor. Laughter is the best medicine. Just an extra message saying hey. My texts tend to get shorter, maybe a little colder, less fun emojis. I am not mad, I am not pulling away. But I am fighting dumping everything on the people around me. Ruminating on the feelings does no good, only perpetuates them.

I am so strong and have come through so much. But I still have a ways to go. We are all works in progress. I find that I write so much about strength and happiness. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and pretend my life is all that. I have tough seasons too. We all do. We can accept those seasons and learn how to run through them. And I don’t mean take a leisurely jog. Run through those bad mother fucking times like a defensive lineman runs through the O Line to get to the quarterback. Plow through that sadness. Straight through it. Own it. Feel it. Use the help of the rest of your line and break through. Sack that sadness and do that victory dance with your teammates. If that was only the first down, get back on that line and do it again. Look next to you. You are not alone on that line. It’s a team effort. Don’t let your pride forget you have a team. Be humble. Let them carry you when you need them. Or, let them just make the space for you. Whatever you need, use your team.

Don’t fake it. Own it. Say, “This shit is hard today!” My kids were onto something when they said they hated the saying. I am learning the power of owning my emotions and expressig what I need.

What is it about “I Love You”

~ Diana Prince ~ Leave a comment

True story. I was once told that when I said “I love you” it didn’t mean a thing. Ouch!!! When the person to whom you are married tells you your words mean nothing, that can be pretty hurtful. You see, I meant those words every time I said them. But I stopped saying them. Not just to him, but to others around me. My family. It was very rare those words fell from my lips. The only ones I didn’t stop saying it to were the kids. I was raised on “I love you” and I was never made to feel bad about it.

When I went to New Mexico, with my then husband, for a hunting trip. We would go to visit his guide’s family. Whenever the guide left or if he got off the phone with someone, he said, I love you. My ex asked him if he always said it. His guide seemed confused. He said, “Of course I do. What if I never get the chance to say it again.” This was only a few months before we separated. Hearing this guide say that, made me realize I wasn’t the issue.

When I learned to stop caring what people thought, I found those words again. I started to say it again to my family. I was able to be free with my words. But I also took time to think about who I could be free with those words. I realized I didn’t need to stop and think about who would hear those words from my lips. Because I don’t need to reserve the phrase for special occasions. I should be able to say it when I feel it.

So, when I say those words to you, it’s because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I feel that love. I won’t say it if I don’t. So, I let the words flow, if I feel it. But don’t be surprised if I ask if I say it too much. While I am very open with my feelings, I still feel the insecurity of being told I say it too much. I would never want them to lose their meaning. But the truth is, when I say goodbye to someone I love, I will always tell them I love them. Because, at the end of the day, I would much rather say it too much, than miss out and never have the chance to say them again.